I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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