Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
