my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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