i permit you to call me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
