end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
