Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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