I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
