they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
