I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
