Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
