If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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