Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
