We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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