DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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