My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
