i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
