when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
