I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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