so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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