Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
zippers are such a cool invention
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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