OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
