You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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