she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They took my balls.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
