At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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