I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Quick, to the slutcave!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
