someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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