HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
