Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
