How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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