I like to think it a success when the cops are called
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
