awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
