I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
