if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
