if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
