I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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