I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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