I think i peed on brittanys purse
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
