smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
