You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
