Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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