he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
