I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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