Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
