OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
