i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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