erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
