I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
