My room smells like vodka and shame
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
