Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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