I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
