can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
