Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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