Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
