you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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