dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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